10 Things I Hate About You

 

It cant be just me that doesn't see their pony as an actual pony right? To me, Sprout has a human personality and characteristics, and like most people, does things that get on my nerves! I took to Facebook to find out what annoying things your equine partners do, to see if they matched Sprout!

 

1)    The Hollaback Girl: Theres always that one horse on the yard that turns into Gwen Stefani when its feedtime. This horse will literally kick the door down in an attempt to get fed 3 seconds earlier, and usually becomes centre of attention as everybody rushes around to get it fed before the door caves in or the horse injures itself.

 

2)    The Anti-Seamstress: If somebody actually made a list of how much we spend on rugs each year I think we would all cry until it got so wet we’d have to whip out the Masta-Avante-Lightweight-Fixed-Neck Turnout Rug (Just £39.99 on Harryhall.com) This horse will rip through any rug; no amount of 0’s on the denier tag will stop it.

 

3)    The Perfect Timer: Bank Holiday Weekend? Loses a shoe. Night before Blenheim? Twists pastern (yes sprout I'm looking at you for this one). You cant talk about plans in front of this horse, they WILL overhear, and they WILL get out of work. This type of horse is better at making up excuses as to why they cant go to work than I am.

 

4)    The Human Sacrificer: Is it a coordination problem? Or is it just payback for the amount of flatwork you've done recently. This horse will oh so accidentally crush your feet with an expression of innocence, minutes after an imaginary fly lands on their nose and they have an overwhelming urge to get it off, smacking you in the face in the process as you unknowingly lean in for a kiss.

 

5)    The Houdini Tribute Act: no lock, twine or catch is a match for this horse and his magical mouth. If he's feeling particularly devilish, he will not only let himself out his stable, but then lend a helping hoof to his pals and before you know it, its “Spirit 2” with a herd of wild horses running amok round the yard.

 

6)    The Wannabe Skewbald: got a show? Don't bother bathing this horse, they'll just go straight into the field and roll. You could cover this horse from head to hoof in a stable full of the whitest shavings to ever exist and they'd still come out covered in mystery stains. This sort of horse is the reason Cowboy Magic are still in business.

 

7)    The Hypochondriac: I know some horses are just sensitive, but when your horse knocks a jump and your instructor genuinely considers calling an emergency vet because he's acting like his leg fell off, you know he's a bit of a princess. Cant go out in wet weather for the fear of a cold, god forbid the ground is stony because they WILL bruise, and no matter what the situation, this horse is always complaining about some imaginary ache or pain.

 

8)    The “Sees a headcollar; HATERS BACK OFF”: We’ve all been there. You’re in a rush, your horse raises its head when you walk into the field and suddenly all warning bells start flashing. You slowly walk up to said steed, halter hidden, treats in hand. Your horse gladly accepts the bribe and a feeling of refill sweeps through you as you whip out the headcollar to buckle over your horses head. All of a sudden your horse turns into a Boeing 747 as he literally sprouts wings to get away from you and the collar of confinement. Looks like you wont be showjumping today.

 

9)    The Life Launderer: Finally we have the horse whom you love endlessly. You slather him in hugs and affection, buy him everything he could possibly want and more; this horse is literally the offspring of Kanye and Kim with 4 hooves and a tail. They don't cost you much in return, all you give up is your social life, every penny you earn, your firstborn child and any sense of social dignity you had left after you turned up to a party in your urine soaked yard boots purely by force of habit.